Good morning, at least I think it is still morning.

For Christmas I was blessed with a camera, so I thought it might be nice to share some photos with everyone, and then I could start using my blog again.

This year we did something different.  At the beginning of advent we started making our Jesse tree

During the Advent season the boys had their Christmas program at school

A couple days before Christmas we set up our tree

Then on Christmas Eve we went to church

Then on Christmas day the boys opened gifts

I hope you all had a great Christmas!

Deb

I stole this from Crechemom

1. Your name spelled backwards.
bed

2. Where were your parents born?
Kansas

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
I updated Real Player today

4. What’s your favorite restaurant?
Some Mexican restaurant

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
July 2001

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
yes, in high school

7. How many kids do you want?
I have 2 boys, both from the ex.  I would like another baby by my DH.  I would especially like a girl

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Opera

9. Are you registered to vote?
Yes, I think so, need to check it out for sure.

10. Do you have cable?
yes, tv and computer

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
yes lol.  My brother had one in middle school when I was in high school

12. Ever prank call anybody?
oh most definately!

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
actually no… going to fast?  yes, parking?  no.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
I wanted to before I had children.  Currently, the answer is no because of my size and because of my children, and I have fibro, and can’t imagine that does very much good for it.  But… after the kids are grown, I no longer have fibro, and I loose weight, then sure!  I would love to

15. Farthest place you ever traveled.
Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic  I have also been to the Bahama’s, and both coasts of the USA, I have also been to the most northern part of the USA, and the most southern parts of the USA.  I have also been to Calgary, and a few other places in Canada.  To give you an idea of how far these places are for me, I live in Kansas.

16. Do you have a garden?
I have a flower garden in the front yard.

17. What’s your favorite comic strip?
Calvin and Hobbs

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
yes, we sing it at the start of ball games, and no, I don’t mumble through it.  I KNOW it.  I know… that is totally amazing that I do, but I have always really liked the song and all of it’s history surrounding it.  That is amazing too, if you were to look at my history grades lol

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
I either shower in the am, or bath at night in the whirlpool

20. Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
Run away bride

21. Favorite pizza topping?
mushrooms

22. Chips or popcorn?
chips with chili con queso

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
close to dusty pink to natural

24. Have you eer smoked peanut shells?
no, but I HAVE broiled them.

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
ROFLOL!!!

26. Orange Juice or apple?
Depends on my mouth.  I prefer OJ, but if my mouth is sore and bothering me, definitely apple.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
My husband and the boys, to Olive Garden

28. Favorite type chocolate bar?
M & M’s

29. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
year before last

30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
a couple days ago

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
yes, baseball, and tennis for sports, and several for music.

32. Are you a good cook?
Yes, when I am able to physically do what it takes to do it.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Of course.  My mom doesn’t which I think is really weird.  I can’t imagine not knowing and driving a car.  Isn’t that sort of dangerous?

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Yes, and some work and some don’t.

35. Sprite or 7-up?
Sierra Mist

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
of course… I’m a nurse

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
medication

38. Ever throw up in public?
yes, in grade school.  I hate saurekrout (not a very good German am I?)  and they had this rule that every child had to take 2 bites of everything.  I refused to.  I had to sit through first recess, and 3rd and 4th grade lunch.  I had to sit through their recess, and started into the class time.  I had already missed class.  The teacher got made and forced me to eat it.  I puked all over her dress and shoes and hose .  I think if I remember correctly, my mother was called.  I don’t remember.  But… the part I DO remember…. she never made me take my 2 bites of ANYTHING again.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
oh, I don’t know… probably true love

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think that most love at first sight is lust at first sight.  But… I do know that God can tell you that you are going to marry this or that person the first time you meet them.  Shoot, God told me I was going to marry my hubby before I had met him in person, and I said no way lol  So… I guess I do, but only when God is involved in the entire process.

41. Ever call a 1-900 number?
Yes, I did, a couple times, it was to find out how an episode of a program had gone, when I had missed it.

42. Can ex’s be friends?
I guess it is possible, I am not going to be friends with mine.  He isn’t trust worthy.  I tried to see if he was now trust worthy, and still isn’t.  I guess, I will keep putting out “feelers” to see if it ever happens.  I am amicable with mine.

43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
My husband.  He had surgery on his right carpal tunnel in out patient, 3 weeks later had left carpal tunnel surgery in out patient, 2 weeks later had dupatrins released on his left hand, and then 5 days after that surgery he had an abscess removed from his achilias tendon on his right leg, that was clear to his ankle and it was just huge and full of infection.  The debrided it and then because it was so bad, the kept him in the hospital.  It was to be a one day out patient surgery.  They had him on IV antibiotics and no weight bearing.  Then 2 days later they took him back to surgery again and debrided it again, and partially closed it.  Then they kept him for a few days to get him ready to come home.  Then when he was at home, they had a home health nurse come in, and that is another entirely different story.  He is no longer on the antibiotics, but he still has daily dressing changes to that right leg, and will for some time yet.

 44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
I had some when I was born, and I wore a lot off, and then I had a little bit.

45. What message is on your answering machine?
boring… same o’ same o’

46. What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
The Church lady!

47. What was the name of your first pet?
I don’t remember, it was a gerbal

48, What’s in your purse?
I don’t really carry one, I carry an organizer instead, it holds my phone, my money, my cards, drivers license, my calendar, addresses and phone numbers.  It is all I need.

49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Some times I like to work on the computer with email, some times do some graphics, some times I like to watch x-files, and some times, I am so wipped by the end of the day, that after the boys are in bed, I’m not far behind.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
my husband is taking the boys to their appointment today, and I have some free time here at home to calm down and do some reading, which I am about to do right now.

The Purpose Driven Life study, chapters 1,2 & 3

I really could relate to the part on page 21 that said [2] “God was thinking of you long before you ever thought about him.  His purpose for your life predates your conception.  He planned it before you existed, without your input!  You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts of your life, but you don’t get to choose your purpose”
I knew this before, but it really struck home today.  I have been struggling with my self-esteem for a very long time and especially right now, and this helped some at least.  I think as we go on in the study that I will learn more.  Part of it though will not only be learning it, but making it mine if you know what I mean.


Point to Ponder: It’s not about me.

Verse to Remember: Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him. – Colossians 1:16

Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

to do this, I need to focus on His Word, spend more time in prayer, sing His Praises more.  I need to consider going to daily Mass if possible, I have wanted to do this for awhile now, and I can now that I am not working, it is just so difficult to be there every morning at 8 am with the boys etc.  Marlin isn’t able to get them ready or even be up every morning at this time and so I have to be here, and I really wish that we could work something out so that I can do this.  Also, it is difficult for me in the am with pain.  I sometimes think this is just excuses, but they are so real.  I will have to talk with Marlin about this.  I know that going to daily services will really bless me and I will learn and grow closer to God through it. 
I need to do everything, I mean everything, laundry, cleaning everything with God in my mind.  Do everything for Him. 
I also need to stop and think before I do anything “What would Jesus Do?”


This chapter really touched me and enlightened some things for me.  I knew all these things, but they hit home and really spoke to me.  I needed something to hit me like a ton of bricks lol
“Your parents may not have planned you, but God did.”  I put a ! after this in my book.  My mom informed me growing up so often that I was not planned and sometimes she told me that I ruined her life and that I was a mistake.  There were other times that she didn’t say this, but I was never a blessing.   Anyway….. get off of the downer stuff lol…   I knew that God had us planned and saw us before we were born, before the beginning of time, but to say that it was me, that was something… something new for me.  I don’t like myself, and to think that God planned me, and He actually saw me and wanted me…. that is something so new and foreign to me.  And that He wanted me in the parents that He gave me… He planned it.  “It doesn’t matter whether your parents were good, bad, or indifferent.  God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the custom ‘you’ He had in mind.”  WOW!!!  He did THAT for me?  To make me?  that is simply amazing! 
I also like the quote “While there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children.”  WOW again, just thinking about so many “unwanted” children and they are simply part of God’s plan… I have always wanted to gather up all of the “unwanted” children and adults and love on them, and now I want to even more… to let them all know that they are all so loved.  There are so many hurting people out there and this is so much needed.  But I know that the problem for me and for so many is not hearing it and learning it, but eternalizing it…. I will be working on this through this next 40 days of studying. 
Another one is “God’s purpose took into account human error, and even sin.”  This means that even those that have horrible pasts and abuse against them/us, and the sins that we committed also are all going to work for the plan that God has.  He took EVERYTHING into account and knew it all, not caused it, but knew it.  He also knows that it will all work for His glory and good and we don’t know how, but it will.  “God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes”  I am not a mistake… this makes me cry…. I am not a mistake, I have always thought I was, that I was simply put up with because I “happened”  but I have a purpose?  that is simply amazing…..
You know… this is only the 2nd page of this 2nd chapter lol….. there is sooo much more too!
“God made you so He could love you”  Again…. this is amazing to me.  He loves me so much.  The next part is even more amazing… “‘God is love.’  It doesn’t say God has love.  He is love!  Love is the essence of God’s character.” (here comes the best part!)  “There is perfect love in the fellowship of the Trinity, so god didn’t need to create you.  He wasn’t lonely.  But He wanted to make you in order to express His love.”  I have to repeat it… He WANTED to make you in order to express His love!!!!  This is simply amazing!  I know… I keep saying this, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks… He wants me… He created me and thought about me and WANTED me, and He wants all of us that way!  “If there was no God, we would all be ‘accidents,’… life would have no purpose or meaning or significance.”  but this isn’t true… we aren’t accidents!  We were wanted and planned and have a purpose for God!  Maybe no one on earth sees it, but God does :0)

You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you’d grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

~~ Russell Kelfer



Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

I need to think on the Point to Ponder:  I am not an accident
I think I need to say that about 30 times per day lol

Now to answer the question:
My appearance in general
my weight
my build
my face
I think I am ugly
I don’t like myself much at all
I know others tell me different and I know they believe it, I just don’t believe this about myself.  I think that people just don’t see what I see… yet.
I don’t like that I have fibro
I don’t like the limitations I face
I hate my depression
I hate my PTSD
I don’t like it when I’m angry
There is very little I actually like about myself
I don’t like what I’ve learned about interaction, communication or relationships.  I really didn’t have very good role models I am finding out.  The thing is, when I was growing up, I thought I did have good role models and maybe I did, but I didn’t learn it right then. 
I don’t like dependence in me.  I tend to be very independent, which I don’t like that too much either.  Both are good, but both can be bad, and I unfortunately only see the bad in me.

I liked this chapter too! lol… so far I have been very blessed by all of the study and I was leery about this study… so much of the books that are out are so self centered just like the author of this book stated and so far this book isn’t and I am very impressed about it… I hope that it continues the way it has started :0)

People (me) are driven by a problem, a pressure, or a deadline.  Mine are simply internal, but I can see how they would be external also in work and families and peers.  People are also driven by emotions.  This is me also… I go up and down so much it is horrible, I really wish I could level out on the emotions, I am working on it. 
Many people are driven by guilt, they are running from regrets, and hiding their shame.  I am guilty of this… I am manipulated by memories as the book suggests   I need to work on this… I know that first I have to get the memories out and then there is forgiveness, which is hard.  Not the forgiveness, but that there is so much to forgive and it keeps coming up.  The book suggests that this kind of drive will allow the past to control the future and I definitely don’t want that!  No, not at all!  I want God to control my future.  I want desperately to be past this and to follow Jesus!  The book also says that people can unconsciously punish themselves and actually sabotage their own success.  I don’t want this and I wonder if this is what I am doing with all my jobs lately.  I really want to stop it if I am.  “God’s purpose is not limited by your past”  I so much love this!  This means to me that even though I had a lot of yuck in my past that God isn’t part of it and can do a work in me despite anyone (earthly) else’s opinion or actions or anything :0)
I want to write the things I underlined too.  I really never mark in books… this is very unusual for me… but… I really felt this was good and I am using it more of a workbook that I can go back to and learn again.  Like I did my textbooks in college :0)
Many people are driven by resentment and anger.  They hold on to hurts and never get over them.  I don’t want this for me.  I really want to get past it.  There are people that clam up and internalize their anger, while others blow up and explode it onto others.  I think I do a combo of both.  Both are unhealthy and unhelpful.
Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent.  While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.  I know this is true for my offender, or so he says… he says he doesn’t remember any of it.  I sometimes think that is just part of the abuse.  But, I do need to get past it as it is effecting my current life and I don’t want it to at all… it is in the past.
Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain through resentment.  I need to work on this… I don’t really look at it as resentment, but I think it must be, because it still causes pain, and I still ask myself (and anyone who will listen….) why??
Many people are driven by fear.  Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.  WOW!  self-imposed prison… how sad…. I don’t want this for me or my children.  They are so afraid of so many things.  I really would like to take some of this information and help them with it too, so that maybe they can learn it early and not have to live with all of this negative stuff in their lives.  I want my boys to know how much God loves them… I want them to know now, not when they are 36 like me… that is too long to go on thinking how horrible you are… I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
It also mentions that many people are driven by materialism, I don’t really think I have that problem.  I like things, but I know that this is a sin, and I have been raised not to think like this.  In fact, my parents did such a good job, that I have only recently realized that I am much less materialistic than they… go figure lol….
The point I liked was that self-worth and net worth are not the same :0)  This is good…
Many people are driven by the need for approval…. this is me… big time!!!  It was like they were taking my life as an example   They allow the expectations of parents (me) or spouses (me again) or children (me once again).  Many adults are still trying to earn the approval of unpleasable parents.  You know… lately I have been thinking of the big blow up that my parents and I had in March of this year, and it still brings tears to my eyes.  My mom tried to hit me with her fists, and that was bad, and it effected my children, which is very frustrating, but you know, that is basically par for the core…. she has hit me before, not with fists, but she slapped me often… the thing that hurt the most…. I’m not Daddy’s little girl any more.  My Daddy was always a Daddy to me… he loved me and he wanted me, always told me that.  He always made me feel so special and loved.  I knew it.  I could ask him to do anything for me and he would.  I have had migraines since middle school age and all the time that I lived at home, I would go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and take my medicine and then lay on the floor crying and my Daddy would carry me to my bed and make sure I was comfortable and had a cool cloth for my head.  Now, grant it, I am WAY too big for anyone to carry me anymore and I don’t expect that…. but he doesn’t do that any more… he is definitely on Mom’s “side” and he really has shown me, that I am no longer his little girl.  I am crying as I write this… I feel like I have lost my Daddy.  I don’t even call him Daddy now…. I can’t… he isn’t that person.  The day that he stood in my face and yelled at me and said that he wouldn’t back off when I begged him too, and told me that he would kick me out of the house and call SRS on me because I am a horrible parent, he ceased being my Daddy… it isn’t resentment, it is simply extreme sadness.  It is like my Daddy died.  I now know that I will never be able to get my parent’s approval, they are what this book calls “unpleasable parents”  I knew that before starting to read this book, but it just clinched it for me.  I really need to move past this too… sooooo much to work on.  I know that God will get me through it.
“When life has meaning, you can bear almost anything; without it, nothing is bearable.”  At first the only things were my boys… that is the only thing that I was living for.  Now I have Marlin, and although he can frustrate me to no end, I would never give him up.  I so much want more purpose than this… but maybe that is all that God wants for me in my life and if so, then that is fine with me.  I am finally to a point that I will be satisfied with what ever it is that God wants me to do and be. 
Knowing your purpose simplifies your life.  People who don’t know their purpose try to do too much — and that causes stress, fatigue, and conflict.  I know that I don’t have a very busy schedule, but I am trying to do a lot on the internet and I love it, but I can get myself way in over my head.  That is why just recently I really backed out of some of my groups.  Not the most recent fiasco, but about 1.5 weeks ago, I made some decisions of what groups to stay in and what groups that really needed to go for one reason or another.  I loved them all, I was just spread too thin, so I can really relate to what this is saying. 
Knowing your purpose focuses your life.
Knowing your purpose motivates your life.  Just getting out of bed becomes a major chore… been there.  Still there.  I have to literally force myself out of bed… it is like I have to get behind myself and push myself out of the bed… pain, depression, and other things… I want to hide in my nice soft comfy bed.
Knowing your purpose prepares you for eternity… oh, this is wonderful :0)


What would my family say is the driving force of my life?  I think my children and my parents (oh joy) would say that it is the computer.  I know that Marlin would say it is my children.
What would my friends say is the driving force of my life?  I think (hope) they would say and see that God is the driving force in my life.  To help others know God, and His love for them.
This is what I want it to be for all of the people in my life.  I want everyone to know that God is my all in my life.